A New Underworld Movie…..Really???

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(Skip to PART II of the ARTICLE to see the new TRAILER!!! It comes second to my rant! :))

PART I: UNDERWORLD IN A NUTSHELL:

I’m going to do this as straight forward as possible. When I watched the first two Underworld films, I felt as if someone had knocked me out and was in fact dragging me into the underworld to view the most uninspired camp fest known to man. Why did I watch them you ask??? Well, as I have stated before, I am horribly afflicted with the “watch everything so that you have a warranted opinion” disease. Also I have this horrible love for vampires and werewolves. Anyone who knows me could see that there was never an option. I learned my lesson. I still haven’t seen Blood and Chocolate because it isn’t worth my opinion nor the time it would steal from my life. The main reason I am writing this article is because there is one thing I have to give the series. Yes, you may say I’m reaching to validate watching any of this, but I would argue that these films are getting better, the more they make. This is something I can’t remember happening in a series of films that jumps to mind. Anyway, Let’s dissect the movies shall we?

Problems with First Movie:

1. Let’s trade all the powers that vampires have for cool slow shots worthy of poster sales and give them guns instead of doing choreography, which would be bad ass, being that each vampire is a toothpick compared to an enraged werewolf.

2.Let’s make all the vampires except for the main 3 characters females, and WAIT, put them all in leather like a horrible s&m convention, and EVEN BETTER, Let’s make the Lycans all buffed out males that we never go in depth with.
(We have a second movie anyway)

3. Let’s establish that vampires are the ruling class of undead yet they lose in seconds to any werewolf that isn’t dead. EVEN one of the elders died so fast we couldn’t even get the scene set to be shot to know how it happened.

4. How can your movie be THIS bad when you have Bill Nighy Playing the Big Bad Vampire Boss. Tell me he doesn’t look awesome:

I will eat your children with a Spoon

Absolutely Bad Ass!












Summation of Part 1:
The Best thing about this film was it ENDING. NO, not the ending. The fact that the horror stopped and peoples names started Scrolling.
The Second movie was better than the first but it’s not hard to be better than shit! It however continued the irritation with piss poor plot holes and brainless progression……..Wait, I correct myself. The best thing about this film were Bill Nighy and the fact that they got sued for stealing from White Wolf (Role Playing Literary Publication company). I was kind of perturbed that even after this, the Goth children of the corn didn’t get uppity and begin the monsoon of hatred. Anyway, Onto the Second Film.

Problems With the Second Movie:

1. A dude has two children. One is bitten by a bat, and the other is bitten by a wolf. Hence the beginnings of vampires and werewolves.

LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. The Father of Werewolves and Vampires is Immortal. Why? Who knows!!!! They never say. Then, not only is he Immortal…….HE DIES IN THE MOVIE! from being bitten on the Neck!

FUCKING STUPID SAUCE!

3. They spend the whole movie amping up how BRUTAL and AWESOMELY POWERFUL the first Werewolf was and how he’s been chained up for centuries because he could not be satiated. He shows up in the movie only to be met with a CHAIN GUN from a Helicopter and killed. Why even have him in the movie!!!!!

4. The main characters are being hunted in this film because they killed Bill NIghy in the first film. (AS THEY SHOULD BE!!!) They killed the only well rounded character in the first two films. Them being hunted however doesn’t stop them from being completely sex driven and molesting each other in a dark warehouse. This scene was one of the most weird love scenes ever because it really felt like they stopped the movie on a dime to have sex and then through cg removed Kate Beckinsdale’s vagina via CG so they could go as low as they possibly could on a shot at her privates. I’m going to see if I can find this trash on youtube. As I Always say, If it’s not on youtube…it doesn’t exist. Now let me catch you up! There has just been a huge combat scene and their love nest is dark because Mr Love Machine threw black paint on the windows which evened out Nicely as we can tell by the darkness.

Problems with this VIDEO:

1. He’s thrusting his dick into her rib cage for half of it. Never tried it with a chick but definitely prefer the vagina!

2. Where his dick would be (YES I KNOW THEY CAN’T SHOW IT!) Is a void of nothingness. That’s why people don’t fuck rib cages in movies. If you lock at the pelvis everything is hidden. He just looks like he has no DICK!

3. There was an action scene less than 2 minutes prior to this scene. ON A DIME!!!!!

Summation of NUMBER 2: (It was just that!)

The only way I wouldn’t have a problem with this movie is if they just stopped bullshitting us all and the whole move was just Kate B’s Latex riddled Vagina flopping around in closeup on the screen. No disrespect to Kate Beckinsdale, but this movie sold on your vagina.

"OMG! NO it wasn't. SHUT UP! I'm a great actor!"











WE THEN GET TO THE THIRD MOVIE:




















It was way better than the first two even though they couldn’t get Kate Beckinsdale to sign on. This was for the best. By going back to the beginning they were able to really flesh out the history between the vampires and lycans, and focus on the leader of the lycans who would die in the “later” film timeline. I was pretty caught off guard by the fact that it seemed like they cared about their film finally.

Things they did right!

1. Bill Nighy was back and in charge like the pimp he is!

I know I said I wouldn't say it After the X-men Post, But DAMN that's alot of class!
















2. They fleshed out All of the back story that made the more recent timeline prevalent but could not take away from the fact that the damage was done.

3. I believed every moment of Rhona Mitra’s (the Actor on the poster) portrayal unlike a certain Beckinsdale.

(Interesting note, my spell check doesn’t like Beckinsdale’s name and it’s correction is “Insecticidal”…I love it..I am going to use it as her name for the rest of this article).

Rhona Mitra was able to show many sides to her character and there was for the first time, Unforced chemistry between her and the Lucian (The Main Lycan for the 1st film as well).

Summation of Part 3:

See it! It’s actually pretty damn entertaining. If you have the stamina, See all of them and tell me I’m not right about it being way better and the films being better as a whole the more they make!

AND FINALLY………

PART II: THE NEW UNDERWORLD 4 TRAILER

"She's BAAAAAAACK!"

Tale of the Tape:

1. The first thing you will notice is the return of Insecticidal! (LOL! I really do love it!) I guess after not being able to do anything else with her life she is back for another paycheck. I must admit, there is a certain vigor to Insecticidal’s emotional display in the trailer. It already says more than the first two movies “Fuck ME!” face.
(In Case you forgot)

Fuck me....













2. They have found a way to fix the story. Erase it and start in the future where the characters don’t remember what you did to them.

3. Hook the new fans with boobs in the first 10 seconds.

4. I see vampire speed! The detail of the tire like skid mark after the slide, in the hallway, done by Insecticidal is pretty neat!

5. It has to be in 3D because 3D is the future of emptying out your wallets for NOTHING in return!

6. They fed me enough explosions for a good first trailer.

7. the plot synopsis goes like this:

After being held in a coma-like state for fifteen years, vampire Selene (Kate Beckinsale) learns that she has a fourteen-year-old vampire/Lycan hybrid daughter, Eve, and when she finds her, they must stop BioCom from creating super Lycans that will kill them all.
courtesty of Filmonic.com“>

I know this may be me hoping for the best but hopefully they are trying to go deep and will keep the story hidden as to not ruin the depth the film actually holds. I can dream right? Yeah I know….My dreams are stupid!


-TsTi Out-

About The Strongest There Is

Born in Richmond, VA, TsTi is a well traveled individual, raised on rated R movies and hard times. Reluctant to be quelled by the status quo, he is an avid thinker, writer, artist, Avid Gamer and entrepreneur. He is nourished by intellectual conversation, bored to tears by casual speech, and has no time for the small picture. Very outspoken. Very confident, and always ready to create! Current Games: - Bloodborne aka Death Simulator - Battlefield: Hardline aka "Why is the enemy spawning behind me?" - Pinball FX2 - Best game on Xbox One (replay value, price, fun) - League of Legends - as Always, Game about teamwork played by assholes!

  • Keithpac

    He was really giving her naval the business there for a second.

  • riggity rollin’ off that first rant. And, I really want another Underworld b/c she’s got hot DSL’s. Also, I want the new Die Hard (not for same reasons, but close). HOW CAN WE HELP PART TIME?

    • Apparently by getting you a blow up of her lips for safe keeping. You can’t have McClane. He’s mine!!!

  • V. REX

    God. This is going to be horrible. Why doesn’t Hollywood just retain Warren Ellis? Vampires and Werewolves suck. I used to like them and then Hollywood killed them for me, and gave me: The Vamperewolf (Werepire?). Which is just a stupid abercrombie model painted black. What the hell.

    • You made me laugh out loud. The Werepire should be the first film Under the TsTi Banner! Fucking hilarious!

      • V. REX

        Just don’t paint someone opaque black and call it “designing a new monster”, and it’s all good. You’d make a fortune if you made the Werepire fight Sharktopuss.

        • I am DEFINITELY ALL FOR THAT!~ WEREPIRE VS SHARKTOPUS. Somehow they will mate and form the Sharktowerepirepuss!